Breastfeeding

To those of you who "absolutely loved" breastfeeding, this post is not for you. You either need to start being honest with yourself about it or have another kiddo. Liar, liar pants on fire. Stop reading now if you are one of those peeps.


So, I will admit, when Hayden was first born I was all gung ho about breastfeeding. Of course, I'll do it. Why not? It will save money and, as my mom always told me, "Kim, you can do anything you set your mind to." Those of you who know my mom can totally hear her saying that, can't you? Little did I know. With Hayden, I quit after 6 weeks. She was a bad latcher....I had to use this thing called a nipple shield (which Jason nicknamed the "zipple") and she screamed all the time. I was thankful when the family practitioner (sp?) we saw at the time told me I could quit. She couldn't say it fast enough. I think I stopped cold turkey. I wouldn't recommend cold turkey...not even to my worst enemy.

Once Hayden was diagnosed with MSPI, we knew the possiblity was high that #2 would have the same issues. I figured I'd try to nurse again. After all, it was probably Hayden that was the problem, not me, right? WRONG! I SUCK at breastfeeding. And people, you know me, I have never sucked at anything in my life. I am a control fuh-reak! If I can't do it, I will find a way to do it. I read the internet, I buy a book, I call the experts, I phone a friend. I do not fail. I SUCK at breastfeeding.

First of all, Tommy is a great latcher. No zipple this time around. However, I have this thing called overactive letdown. About 10 seconds after Tommy starts latching, my milk lets down. It comes down in such a forceful geyser that I have to pull him away for about 10 seconds while it slows down. If I don't pull him away, he literally gags on my milk. Great fun. It's fine now...Tommy even smiles at me during those 10 seconds. Not so fun at 3 weeks of age when he really wanted the boob and I pulled away. I also had an overabundant----EXPLOSIVE---amount of milk until about 2 weeks ago. Tommy would, literally, put his mouth close to my nipple and the milk would start to flow. It was like a beer bong in college. He would open up and in it would go. It would also go down my shirt, all over his face, and more gagging took place because of all that milk flow. This I had no control over. I tried everything. I read the internet. I went to a lactation consultant. 3 times. I let two different people "observe" me nursing to see if I could change anything. No dice.

Another problem I have is my inability to know if Tommy has eaten enough or not. He has acid reflux so he would love to nurse ALL DAY LONG. He would take small breaks to spit up and have his diaper changed, but otherwise he would be content to nurse. Another thing about acid reflux...when Tommy's medicine starts to wear off he starts to do this thing when he nurses that I have coined the "bob and weave." He will be latched on but his head will be bobbing, his legs will be kicking, and his arms will be flailing. It's like he can't quite decide if it feels good on his esophogus to keep nursing, but he's going to hang on just in case. Ahhhhh...so frustrating.

So for those of you who developed this special bond with your baby while nursing, who would do it for years if society let you, and can't wait to do it again I have one thing to say to you. I SUCK at breastfeeding. But I'm going to keep doing it because it's what's best for my Tommy.